Into the Void Records USA [PERMANENTLY CLOSED]

St. Paul, Minnesot'as True Metal Record Store (RIP as of Dec. 24, 2015)

Metal Promo Haikus

Terse reviews for new promotional materials, i.e. shop copies that find their way to my whiskey weary hands.  Typically the works reviewed have some combination of the following traits: I know next to nothing about the artist, I don’t particularly enjoy the subgenre or the band’s reputation already precedes them.  Why waste my time and yours?  It’s more fun to mangle the poetic traditions of respected cultures!

Keep your eyes peeled for that lurking specter of positivity.  I can’t make it too easy for everybody, including myself.

finns think america looks like thisLOST SOCIETY (Finland)

Terror Hungry

Nuclear Blast, 2014

A proclamation:

“Beer and pizza, that’s our game


The former haiku

Works a lot better when sung

To “Old MacDonald”

Imagine old thrash

Now picture not hearing this

Your life is the same

 cover art, such unexpectMASSACRE (USA)

Back from Beyond

Nuclear Blast, 2014

Old-school death metal

True warriors have returned!

Please forget Promise

You know From Beyond?

Hell yeah, that stuff was the shit

Let’s write it again

New rule for our songs:

Start growling three seconds in

That’ll get ’em hooked

Improved production

Same title and same artwork

Next time: new music

everything seemingly is spinning out of control



Invictus Productions, 2013

Terror death metal

Like INCANTATION, backwards

During a nightmare


The riffs are chased down a well

For being huge nerds

Drums pound there, in anger

Anguished screams wail, in bleak triumph

Riffs fight, mightily

Lo!  How can it be?

I’m enjoying a promo

Must be the white wine

you're going to hell just for all the stupid symbolism


The Fateful Dark

Earache Records, 2014

Some riffs: TESTAMENT

Vocals like EDDIE MONEY

Can’t go wrong, clearly

Seriously guys

Don’t let your little brother

Kill your speed metal

Really, “Hellblazer?”

What’s next, “Leather Meltdown?”

This isn’t helping

This is Part One for this round of giveaways.  Part Two coming shortly.  Cheers!


3 comments on “Metal Promo Haikus

  1. Eric
    April 30, 2014

    Do they ever send
    New “Epic Pagan Metal”?
    Quirky; has pirates

    • Neil
      April 30, 2014

      Pagan metal. What?
      Did you mean BATHORY? Or,
      Perhaps a circus.

  2. Eric
    May 5, 2014

    Tin Mjolnir Necklace
    Doritos et circenses
    Riverdance for me

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