St. Paul, Minnesot'as True Metal Record Store (RIP as of Dec. 24, 2015)
Hello again, and welcome to another installment of our distilled metal news, all boiled, condensed and concentrated for your consumptive pleasure. This is pure, bootleg moonshine, stolen but filtered of all impurities. Read on if you prefer reading actual information about real bands as opposed to sifting through fan footage video of the latest AS I LAY DYING colorectal purge.
JUDAS PRIEST, the UK’s second-favorite geriatric heavy metal export, is set to release an album — wait for it — sometime in 2014. Since the announcement is so anticlimactic, I’m going to guess their hospice caregivers don’t want them to get all worked up in a cardio-fluster trying to be more specific. In any case, the unnamed album will be their first since 2008’s Nostradamus. They also took off their respirators long enough to voice for a recent appearance on The Simpsons, which is the cartoon equivalent of the band: irrelevant for more than 2/3 of their existence.
Ha! You may hate me for the clichéd age jokes, but at least I didn’t allude to their “resurrection” anywhere.
By the way, The Simpsons apparently found out JUDAS PRIEST weren’t “death metal” a little bit late and had this to add the following week:
An actual death metal band, MALEVOLENT CREATION, shares the same affliction as both PRIEST and The Simpsons and could therefore not resist announcing a new album either. The new one will be their — holy fuck — 12th album, and is expected to be heavily influenced by death metal stalwarts MALEVOLENT CREATION. Amazingly, I’ve never seen them live. Can somebody please fix that before heroin chic sets in for Brett Hoffman? Or before Phil Fasciana tries to save another fake convenience store? Thanks!
MASSACRE, one-album wonders of the same scene MALEVOLENT CREATION eventually co-opted, have reformed (sans perpetual ass-pain Kam Lee) and will be releasing a new album under the dreadful title Back From Beyond. Here’s the tracklist:
As We Wait to Die
Ascension of the Deceased
Succumb to Rapture
Remnants of Hatred
Shield of the Son
The Evil Within
Sands of Time
Beast of Vengeance
Back From Beyond
Honor the Fallen
It’ll be interesting to see if Rick Rozz’s whammy bar has survived lo these many years. Fun fact: Rick Rozz is apparently only 47, meaning he was only 21 when DEATH’s Leprosy was released. Thinking back on his pudgy, mustachioed visage from those younger days, that’s somehow very hard to believe. Good for him!
Across the pond again, half of the entity known as GORGOROTH have finished recording an album under that name. Titled Instinctus Bestialis, expect this slab of archetypal Norsecore to be released in the coming months via a label so mysterious it maybe hasn’t even been invented. How Frank Watkins of OBITUARY ever ended up in this band, I’ll never know. How Hat or Pest (such great pseudonyms) aren’t back for vocal duties, I won’t know either. Let’s hope Gaahl continues to weep into his boxed wine over whatever incarnation continues forward, anyway.
Finally, Swedish crypto-chamelons and cosplay enthusiasts THERION will be releasing a new studio album (late 2014). Plans for sooner include a deluxe edition CD + DVD of Theli and a massive 3-DVD package called Adulruna Redivia and Beyond.
Unfortunately, I can’t add much for my love for THERION post-Symphony Masses. I can, however, post mind-numbing lyrics from their first (and excellent) album, Of Darkness…, to remind everybody that terrible, awkward, quasi-political stances in youth don’t always preclude dressing in top hats later in ones career.
Support no air
Burns the woods
And plants fruit trees
To serve you drinks
That’s what It’s all about
To making money and feed their ass
That is the reason why
We all die
Burn the woods
And kill the air
Of the air
Feed their cows
With out children’s
Ten years past
All are dead
Trees are gone
And so all life
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